A Real Woman
by SofluwYerg
Summary: Roman Torchwick has a very particular taste in women. One day, Neo finds out exactly why - much to her chagrin. (One Shot)


**A/N: I'm not dead! I'm still in here, somewhere, boxed in by a bad case of writer's block or whatever else - and I have a one shot for you all that you might just be interested in.**

 **This was made as part of a writing prompt contest on the Work in Progress Discord server - a contest which it won (a source of large amounts of pride.)**

* * *

 _This wasn't how_ anything _was supposed to work._

Neo eyed her long time partner-in-crime with contempt as the lady in red slowly sauntered out of the door, hips swaying seductively. By the time the door had finally shut, and her two annoying followers had disappeared with her, the ice cream girl chose to reveal herself.

Torchwick grinned the moment he saw her - a grin which vanished the moment he saw her facial expression.

"So," he murmured, "What'd I do to piss you off this time?"

Neo didn't dignify his question with a response, instead poking her nose up into the air in annoyance.

He should've _known_ that the looks he was giving that Cinder chick would upset her. But he'd gone and let that bitch wrap him around her little finger like - like _she would with one of Junior's idiots!_

It was a betrayal. Nothing more, nothing less.

"Come on, Neo… I did absolutely nothing wrong, and if you could just tell me what's annoying you then I can tell you exactly why it shouldn't be."

She rolled her eyes.

"Oh, I get it… You think now that I'm partners with the fiery chick, I won't have time for you?"

He placed one hand to his forehead, the other clutching his heart in mock pain.

"I'm _mortified!"_

Neo's lip twitched just a little bit.

 _Shit. He was getting through to her._

A moment of silence passed, in which her partner slowly began to glare at her more and more intently, expecting her to come out with _something._ She wouldn't tell him. Not under _any_ circumstance.

Not even if he began to pat her head in slow, comforting circles…

"Come on now, Neo…" he drawled, "You know you want to tell me,"

She - after a titanic effort to not melt at his head-patting skills - shook her head indignantly. He could damn well work this one out on his own.

"Alright, then," he backed away, hands up in surrender, "I see you won't tell me what it is,"

Neo nodded, satisfied at last.

"It's understandable, really. If my long-time partner in crime were making googly eyes at some broad, I'd not want to talk to them either!"

Neo's eyes widened in surprise, before narrowing in frustration as they turned back to Torchwick's dopily grinning face.

' **Bastard.'**

"Thank you, I try~"

' **So that whole thing was just an act?'**

"Pretty much. I could read her like an open book; shame that everything inside her head seemed to be hymns dedicated to fulfilling her own God complex - one which I tried to satisfy by pretending to be attracted to her."

' **That didn't look like** _ **pretending,**_ **Roman.'**

"I can definitely assure you that it was, Neo,"

Her eyes narrowed.

' **Oh really?'**

"Oh, _definitely._ That girl was _not_ my type."

' **That seemed like the kind of girl who had all of her bases covered.'**

Torchwick chuckled.

"You _really_ don't know women if you think that's the case, Neo, for you see…"

Neo's eyebrow slowly rose to the upper echelons of her forehead as Torchwick got back up from his seat, and began to gaze dreamily out of the window.

" _Real_ women aren't defined by the swell of their breasts, the smoothness of their thighs, or the seductive _shine_ of their lips -" he began, his eyes glazing over as if in a bizarre trance, " _Real_ women are defined by the iciness of their glares, the straightness of their spine and the _steel_ in their spirit."

' **And just where on Remnant did you get** _ **this**_ **idea from?'**

She paused for a moment, in contemplation, before continuing.

' **I** _ **really**_ **doubt it was Junior. He'd fuck a tree if it was wearing a skirt.'**

Torchwick chuckled, but it was clear from the way he was looking out of the window that his head was too far into the clouds (or up his own ass) to properly see what she was telling him anymore.

"Lemme tell you a story, Neo, of the first and only girl I ever dated."

Neo jolted with shock. Now _this_ was new. There were three things Torchwick avoided like the plague: the consequences of his actions, cheap cigarettes and talking about his own past. It was almost as if he liked to pretend that every yesterday had never happened the instant he got out of bed in the morning.

She listened intently, as Torchwick began his tale…

-x-

 _This was a while back, Neo. A_ long _while back. I was even younger than you are now, actually - and I had a much bigger penchant for taking unnecessary risks. Life was a gamble in those days, and the higher the stakes, the higher the rewards._

 _It was that shitty philosophy that had me standing right outside the gates of one of the wealthiest families in Remnant. In these days, this family was a household name - everyone, their mother and their mother's mother and their mother's mother's dog knew about the Goodwitch family. A long line of lawyers, judges, and politicians seeped in the blood of aristocracy; a litter of purebreds, so to speak._

 _It made me want to take them down a notch or ten._

 _Getting across the exterior fence was easy: I had my Aura unlocked, so how sharp it was meant basically jack shit (although I'll admit, the persistent electrocution hurt a little) and I was over in no time._

 _Next up were the locks on the doors and windows once I'd gotten close enough to their mansion to sneak inside. They clearly didn't seem to think anyone would so much as get over their fence, because_ oh boy _were those locks pathetic. I'd seen scarier locks in convenience stores._

 _A small dose of my feathery touch, and those locks were wide open; promising untold infamy to the young thief with too much talent and not enough tact to know what to use it for._

 _And oh boy, there was just so much of the_ good stuff _in there, Neo! It was completely unbelievable! Antiques, artifacts, vintage articles of clothing, ancient texts - you name it, the Goodwitches had it. I only had like, one immensely shitty bag on me for use at the time, so I only managed to fit about one lovely vase into the damn thing before I no longer had the room to filch any of the goods._

 _And it was then, just turning the corner, that I met_ her _for the first time._

 _The look she gave the moment she saw this_ dirty street urchin _right about to make off with a vase that probably costed my entire weight in Lien - it sent chills down my spine. I see it in my dreams even to this day, Neo!_

 _A chase ensued, where I had to undergo a mad dance across dining rooms, through hallways, and over various priceless tables and chairs - a dance in which a single misstep would mean certain doom._

 _Now, I'd underestimated my opponent - a grievous mistake - and I found myself cornered in the basement. As the terrifying, soul-crushing sound of her shoes tapping against the floor grew closer and closer, I made a spur of the moment decision to hide the vase under the floorboards - somewhere where only_ I _could reach it._

 _Now, she got me alright. She got me_ good. _She hefted me up with her Semblance once she'd depleted me of my Aura and dragged me to her room, where she_ demanded _to know where I'd hidden the vase._

 _I told her to let me out. She told me to go die. I asked her politely to let me out. She told me to go die once again._

 _And so we waited. Stuck in complete stalemate, in a fiery clash of wills; lemme tell you, so many sparks were flying I'll wager her bedroom's still statically charged to this day - and please, save the vomiting for a paper bag and_ not _our floor, Neo - until, finally, she cracked._

 _I told her where the vase was, and she dragged me there by the ear. I yanked it out for her, and she began to drag me back to her room, going back on our deal_ entirely _without regrets._

 _Good thing I'd prepared for this eventuality._

 _Just as she was pulling me past the door victoriously, I did the one thing I knew would take a stiff girl like her by surprise._

 _I took hold of both her cheeks, and kissed her full on the lips for a good ten seconds - and when I pulled away, she was completely rigid; like she'd been struck by lightning. She regained her composure quickly, I gotta admit, but by then, well, I was already out of the door._

 _Yes, Neo, those ten seconds were_ totally _necessary. If you keep questioning me, I'll tell you exactly what her lips tasted like._

 _Nothing? Yeah, that's what I thought._

 _Just as I was heaving myself over the electric fence for the second time that day, I heard her shout at me from across the entire mansion's grounds that she'd have me locked up or, better yet, hung._

 _I yelled that I'd come back within the week to make it easier for her._

 _Uncharacteristically, I_ didn't _go back on that promise. Before long, I was standing outside the mansion yet again, more adrenaline coursing through my system than blood, and a manic grin on my face._

 _Now, why was I grinning so happily, you ask? Well, it's quite simple:_

 _The wire fence was now a metre or so higher across its entire length, and although this time I'd brought some heavy duty gloves, I could still feel the shock from the fence. The voltage had been_ upped.

 _She'd made preparations, and it was_ flattering.

 _Of course, before long I was directly over the fence. It'd have to be a_ lot _taller than it was then to keep me out._

 _But of course, the fence was just the beginning. Everywhere within the house I went, she was ready for me - there was tripwire around every corner, iron bars over every window and knives in every shadow._

… _I'm not kidding, Neo. She really had spared no expense in stopping me from getting what I wanted._

 _But, through a wonderful series of self-made miracles, I eventually managed to grab hold of another vase._ She _was lying in wait for me. I barely had time to dodge as a series of knives aimed to pin me directly to the wall and prevent any hope of escape flew at me from every direction._

 _As I began to bolt for the door again, I began to realise that she wasn't chasing me quite as fast as I'd have expected. Now, that would obviously make the me of today suspect foul play, but the me of then was too busy staring at her to suspect_ anything.

 _And then, right as I was about to escape through the nearest door, my heart stopped. It wasn't opening; the crafty girl had blocked it off from the other side!_

 _Thus, I was left slowly backing into a corner as certain doom approached me in the lovely form of the Goodwitch heiress. With my back to the wall, she took hold of my collar, leaned forward and returned the favour from last time._

 _What do I mean, Neo? I mean that we made out. Simple as that._

 _Unfortunately, our time had to be cut short - with a crash, I busted down the window I was leaning against and rolled out into the gardens, followed by the shards of glass she directed at me with that crazy Semblance of hers. One of them almost gouged my eye out! But, I was out, I was alive, I was free…_

 _And I was raring for more._

 _I came back almost every week after that. Each subsequent venture went a little something like the first: I'd head over to the mansion while her parents were out, I'd steal an item and a kiss and then be on my way. Every single time, she'd prepare even_ more _extensively - set up more traps, reinforce every entry and exit again and again and again, install security cameras and I think, once, she even sicced a whole pack of dogs on me!_

 _Heh, good times._

 _Eventually, as our minds followed our bodies' growth from adolescence to adulthood, I began to start taking a_ little _more than just a kiss - and she'd make sure to respond in kind whenever she got to sink her claws into me - and it_ certainly _got intense._

 _Okay, seriously Neo, don't vomit. You'll mess up my shoes._

 _Now, as I'm sure you'll be delighted to know, as time went on and we both grew in fame and influence in our respective fields, we no longer had time for our little dates - sure, I might have arranged the occasional raid on a Dust store she_ just so happened _to be near at the time, and she might just have paid_ special attention _to Huntsman requests in dealing with a certain dashing thief, but what we had… Well, it just wasn't quite the same._

 _But even now, even though I'm a little older and a lot more careful, I'll still never forget that_ woman _. I'll never forget the pain from the household articles she slung at me with that comical Semblance, I'll never forget the feeling of that crop - or her teeth, for that matter - biting into my bare skin, and most of all I'll never forget the glint of those glittering emerald eyes filled with that_ alluring _spite._

… _Well, there it goes. I'm sorry, but cleaning this mess up is your responsibility now, Neo._

 _What do you mean that's not fair? You brought this upon yourself._

-x-

Torchwick smirked as Neo skulked off to clean up the new stain she'd left on the floor. For all her projected toughness and maturity, it seemed she still couldn't handle a little good old-fashioned racy romance.

Still… Talking about that had felt good. It had been the first time in a long while he'd just been able to _lose himself_ in nostalgia.

All things considered, he really missed that lady. No other woman had ever managed to bring him anything resembling the satisfaction he'd gotten from her in the years since. He idly wondered for just a brief moment if, wherever she was now, Glynda Goodwitch felt the same way.

His eyes drifted to his scroll, and his fingers began to itch underneath the fabric of his signature gloves.

 _What if?_

He picked it up, quickly thumbed in the password and typed in the number he'd memorised all those years ago.

Maybe the number for her spare scroll didn't work anymore. She could've discarded it, broken it accidentally, or simply misplaced it somewhere long ago. But heck, it wasn't if Roman stood to lose anything from trying _just_ this once _._

His eyes widened as he heard the dial tone on the other end of the line.

They widened even further when, against all odds, someone actually _picked up._

" _Is this… Is this who I think it is?"_ came the unmistakable voice of an old flame from the other end of the line.

"That's right, Glynda. It's me." he replied, "Say, I've seen a Dust shop on the edge of town and the merchandise there's practically begging me to steal it… It's called From Dust Till Dawn. Me and some of the boys are planning to hit it up this saturday, at about nine PM."

Even with the whole city blocks between them, he could tell she was smiling.

" _You won't even get close."_

He smirked.

"It's a date, then."


End file.
